Cheers to a bit of reading of a part of my journey! :)
After an unknown, but now diagnosed, continued battle with PCOS, I have lost 16 pounds, since January. My clothes are baggy. I'm in-between sizes. I'm still in Woman's World. BUT I'm doing it. I'm living my process... this journey God has me on. I am more determined than I have ever been, but that's a lot easier when you see the "fruits of your labor". I am challenging myself.
This morning, April 18, 2015. I did something I haven't done in 13 years. I ran. The last time I ran was at 12 years old on the soccer field, and I had asthma so it was always difficult and I'd have to stop frequently. There have been very few things that I have not been able to do because of being overweight, or "obese" as the BMI tells me. I've never cared to run. I've never cared to get on the 5K, 10K, 15K, half marathon, marathon running bandwagon. If anything, I've wanted to do a Color Run not for the running, but for the fun of having bright colors thrown at you! But last night, Kim messaged me saying she needed a run/walk buddy at 6am this Saturday morning. I told her, "I can walk like nobody's business, but running... eek." After going to bed just after 11:30, I woke up at 5:30am to meet her, Kelli, and Rennae at 5:50am to run/walk... probably the craziest thing I've done on a Saturday morning.
As much as I have fully disliked even the mere thought of running, today taught me so much. God showed up to run with me this morning. God used Kim as she encouraged me every step I took. She told me how "fabulous" I was doing and how I am "in so much better shape" than I think. She would keep pace with me even if it was slower than her usual. She would say, "45 seconds, you can do anything for just 45 seconds can't you?" "Just 30 seconds, you can do it for just 30 seconds." "You set the pace, and I'll match you." Kim is by no means God, but this morning as I was challenging myself to do something I've never done before and possibly feared, I did fearlessly because I knew there was someone right beside me the whole time who would match pace or challenge me beyond... She was Jesus' heart and voice to me this morning.
I walk/ran more than a 5K this morning. Towards the end of it, I would challenge myself just to run to the "black mailbox" and "just make it to the stop sign" and coach myself, "Okay legs, you think you can't make it but you can. In order for you to get a nap, you have to make it back to campus. Let's get going! Just make it to 210. Black mail box 210, we're coming for you!" I made it. And then something dawned on me. The last 3-4 weeks, God has had me on another leg of this journey. He's been working with me on timing and living in the present and learning to love myself. There has been a lesson or revelation around nearly every corner.
About a month and a half ago in my Group Counseling class, my classmate was presenting an art therapy technique. With our eyes closed, we had to position ourselves in how we felt currently in our lives, kind of an action pose. I was in a position of running full force ahead, but slightly looking back because I felt like there was a rubber band around my waist holding me back. We then had to pose in an image of how we wanted to feel and view ourselves. I positioned myself like a superhero, like Wonder Woman, with my head held high, feeling victorious and not defeated. Everyone opened their eyes. She explained the next assignment and lead us to different art stations. We had to portray first our first image/position in a set time and then our 2nd image (who we want to be and feel like).
I started drawing the first and began to break. I drew with all my heart and poured out all I had... art used to be one of my main forms of worship, so it was familiar and so very missed. It was evident the art therapy was working. I drew a runner with a huge yellow rubber band, seemingly coming from some unforeseen place, holding them back from what they felt was their calling. She called time once everyone's work of art was completed. We then started on the next image. I drew legs like unshakable pillars, hands firm at my waist. Only halfway up my torso would fit on the paper. It didn't matter how stable my upper body felt, it's the feeling of my feet are firmly planted and no matter what waves or storms may hit me, I may bend and sway, but my feet will not be moved. They are set. It was about 2 weeks later on a country drive with Mason I got a revelation of my first drawing: God is the band around my waist holding me, not back, but holding me in place in the present.
About a week or 2 later, I had this intense catharsis, or breakthrough, again, in my Group Counseling class. The night ended with tears and feeling overwhelmed. I texted my friend to pray for me and I went to bed. I talked to her the next day about what happened and another revelation... I cannot love my neighbor as myself, if I don't love myself, and if I don't love myself--the result of truly accepting the love and grace of God--I cannot truly love God with all I have, cause I don't have anything to fully love Him with! You can't truly love others while neglecting yourself and your own wounds that need tending to.
The next Saturday I said a prayer that has since changed my world... my mind, my heart, my life. From the moment my prayer ended, God started speaking to my heart, speaking in metaphors because that is how I communicate, understand, and process. He shows me how I'm always set on where I'm going, but on the way there, I completely lose the process. I get frustrated at stop signs, red lights, try to fly through yellow lights, and frustrated getting stuck behind slow cars, and that each of those in life are moments to allow God to work on what He needs to in you. Those are moments of awareness and learning opportunities, and they are necessary. He showed me how I'm always competing with everyone else on the road and how not only is it not a race about who finishes first, we don't even have the same destination. After many more analogies and metaphors about how my driving relates to my view of life, He says, "So many think speed limits are just suggestions. They are Me pacing you in your life. My speed for you isn't a suggestion, but guidance for safety. My speed limit seems slow, but not when it becomes your new normal. When you're only focused on where you're going, it doesn't matter what time you leave you adjust your own speed and miss the process. Be prepared, be aware and active in your present to be active and aware in your future."
From that day, I have been working on releasing the fears of not meeting expectations that I've put on myself, expectations I've inherited, and expectations I felt others put on me, so that I can focus on here and now and what God wants to do in me today. I've been working on being intentional in my relationship with Him and no longer allowing myself to be a victim of life. And through all of that, I've been learning to love me. All of that brings me back to running this morning. Where I have had more negative internal self-talk than positive, this morning was quite different. I self-evaluated. I noticed that my breathing during activity has never been as good as it was this morning. I noticed that my quads weren't hurting at all and all those blasted squats in Body Pump really were paying off. I noticed that I am withdrawing any cynical or sarcastic thoughts I've had towards the slow runners on the side of the road; running definitely does pull from different muscles. I noticed I was more self-encouraging than saying self-defeating thoughts.
Two weeks ago, it was my turn to lead in my Group Counseling class. My technique to use was Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). "REBT is an action-oriented psychotherapy that teaches individuals to identify, challenge, and replace their self-defeating thoughts and beliefs with healthier thoughts that promote emotional well-being and goal achievement." The thought behind REBT is that when a situation occurs, it isn't our thoughts that lead to actions, but rather specifically our irrational beliefs of ourselves. So, I've had the issue, as many, of negative self-talk and not seeing myself as Christ does or anyone else who thinks highly of me for that matter. And this is the therapy technique that I was selected to teach. I was breaking just reading the chapter! So, with having to teach this, I figured it wasn't in the least bit coincidental that this was the chapter I was chosen to lead in the season and current part of the journey I'm on.
With REBT, it is taught to confront the irrational belief, asking "Where is the proof that this belief of myself is true?" And then to dispute the irrational belief and replace it with a rational belief. That is what I needed to start doing. I cannot honestly say that I cannot run because (1) I have 2 working legs, for starters, and (2) God's Word in Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." That belief is irrational and can't stand as truth. But the cool thing is when you start loving yourself and seeing you through the eyes of Christ and not the eyes of past pains and false expectations and realize that He is the God who sees you right where you are (Genesis 16:13), you find you have far fewer irrational beliefs of yourself.
I can honestly say that I had zero negative thoughts or beliefs of myself about my first time running... but it also helped that Kim was feeding me truth the whole time. I can also honestly say that there were many times I felt like my shins, calves, and feet were going to break free and run home without me, leaving me on my knees. My hip flexors all the way down my legs are quite sore. I am feeling the presence of muscles I'm not sure I even knew came to class this morning! But in every season, pain is a part of the process. Soreness, whether literal or figurative, is a part of the process. Pain/soreness means that something has been and is being tested and has potential for growth, if allowed.
Am I out to be a runner now and sign up for every 5K+ that works with my calendar in a 30 minute radius? Absolutely not! haha! What I am out to do is be present in and enjoy this process and allow God to use running, if it is what He choses, to further grow me and strengthen me into the woman He has called and designed me to be.
I know this was incredibly long, so thank you for reading :). I hope it brings you hope, encouragement, and strength to continue on the journey where He has you. He sees you... right where you are. <3
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