[February 24, 2013]

So this is my confession for today… I'm not sure how long it'll be--status worthy or note worthy. Guess we'll find out.

It started off pretty well… free coffee from Race Trac with Mas followed by getting to church early and getting our weekly seats for us, Missy, and Juan. We had a guest speaker, Priscilla Shirer, who always has a timely God-word… this one from Luke where Simon spends all day fishing and ends the day catching nothing after working at it so hard… She used that to teach about taking a break from the stressful situation--washing your net--not to quit but to come back to it--you wouldn't wash your net with intention of quitting. In the mean time allowing Jesus to step into the situation--the boat--and use your stressful situation as a platform to teach from… and then to call you out deeper to where He is knowing He's the only one who can either change your situation or be your strength in the midst of it… regardless, trusting Him to go out into the deep where you have no control but He has the whole plan and purpose in His hands. Great, right? Well it was… haha. 

From church we went for lunch at Panera (current fave) with our Villas (also our faves). I got my usual soup and sandwich. Still a pretty good day… well it about went down hill from there. Mas left to go get his tire fixed and get his final groomsman fitted. His experience was awful as he ended up at the car place for 2 hours therefore having to reschedule his fitting appointment. In the mean time I was at Panera working on a paper… indoors… while it's finally a beautiful 70 degrees here in Texas… after a 37 degree morning. The absolute last place I wanted to be was inside working on a paper followed by studying for a huge exam tomorrow that may just eat me alive… we'll see. [obviously I'm at "Note Worthy" now…] Mason eventually gets back.. I'm still working on my paper. We eventually leave to head back to my apartment for dinner. Blah blah blah *that's us eating dinner…

[Stepping onto today's personal soap box…]

Well… than we get into wedding talk. And well… so far that's been as overwhelming as it comes. The thing is… I am not a planner of big events. Give me a kids' camp or like the title of this.. give me a kids' party and it will be a blast! Your kids will have fun and leave on a sugar high that crashes in the car on the way home and you get to put your precious little ones to bed and happy ol' you gets to have a quiet night til one wakes up but still drowsy so no worries they'll fall asleep with you on the couch… with their glass of water they so desperately needed in the middle of their sleeping… [I just laughed too lol]. But yea… give me a children's party or camp and I'll join with them in the fun and make sure they leave with a goodie bag. But give me a black tie affair… organized elegance… to where people walk in and are in awe at how beautiful the space is with the lighting set just so and the right music and centerpieces and bows around chairs that will be thrown away 2.9 seconds after the event is over and you've got me stumped! Don't get me wrong… I'll dress to nines to go to such an event and I can hold my glass and myself just right… but be the person behind that and you've got this evening post-dinner… my first Bridal Breakdown. 

You see guys, here's some Charis-honesty for the night… maybe for 2013…

I grew up with 4 brothers: uno, dos, tres, quatro (like the 4 bladed razors)… based on some psychologists theories--Alfred Adler's to be exact--the only girl/boy usually is the extreme of their gender. For instance, an only boy would be ultra masculine and the only girl would be ultra feminine… frills, bows, pink, and all. What ol' Alfred Adler didn't see coming was.. well… me. I had 4 brothers and from my memory and photo albums I was anything but ultra feminine. When you are in a male dominant home you want to fit it… or at least I did so I was on the tom boy side of the coin… mud… soccer… outdoors… wanted to so desperately mow the lawn and do yard work but my dad would never let me--ya know since he has 4 boys and all. It wasn't until my Dear Mr. Musick came along that ol' Sister Femininity even entered my realm of understanding. Of all the boys I had for best friends and played capture the flag with… none of them EVER made me feel like a lady. Ever. He came along and turned me into some pencil-skirt, heels wearing, classy woman. SURPRISE for every one who knew me growing up and SURPRISE for everyone who knows me now. My "struttin' my stuff" pre-Mason was either my "dressy" black velour track suit, pajamas to Walmart, or jeans flats and a decent dress shirt to church… I know: Sooo attractive. ;) Getting on to the point here…

The only "elegance" I possessed was the way I could make a paint brush move on a canvas. Or wear a dress for Homecoming or Prom… So now planning my own wedding I reach the point of frustration with 2 main things:

1). I'm a woman; wedding planning should be my pride and joy like my first born child or something. Ok, that's extreme… I tend to do that sometimes. It's supposed to be the absolute most exciting things where you have everything laid out and you know exactly what you want cause you've dreamed of it since you were a little girl… "in ribbons and curls"… (You're welcome Bob Carlisle for that "Butterfly Kisses" plug…). Well the whole fitting in with the boys thing… it wasn't a dream but a fantasy to be married one day… that some man would want to actually marry me. To the point that when Mason and I started dating I thought relationship were bright colored flowers and unicorns prancing under rainbows on clouds. Not only did the cloud evaporate into thin air, but fall came and the bright colors turned burnt orange--def not in the neon hues--and my unicorns fell over dead. I had to learn how to find the clouds in everyday situations.. that sunny clouds could still come even after a storm of dark clouds had passed. All that to say… it's been a huge frustration that that woman part of me never fully developed. I now know and advise getting a dress and eloping. 

2). When I get overwhelmed or at least with wedding planning… it's like I know there's a boat-load of stuff to get done but it's so overwhelming it is equally paralyzing. And if you've ever been the least involved with a wedding or if you've just watched wedding shows you know a paralyzed bride is a hell-hole wedding. And that CANNOT be… cause I'm still woman enough to not want or allow a crap-show for a wedding! [And everyone says.. AMEN] 

So with those 2 factors… Tonight I wasn't Bridezilla… but I had my first or first and a half Bridal Breakdown fully equipped with tears… ugly cries… emotions on the rise… verbal script of "Mas, even if it isn't I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay and it will all work out" through hyperventilating crying… feeling like a failure of a bride cause I'm not as on top of everything as a bride should be… and ending with the need to be held and held tightly. Oh and lots of "I'm sorry"s… and Mas (probably having reached his limit of woman emotion overload) saying "Okay. What do you want me to do." and my answer being… *anyone got a guess?* "I don't know! I just… I just need your help… I don't want to put it all on you!" You see ladies and gents, my amazing fiancé has this knack for decorating and such… we're pretty reversed on some things… but he can walk into an empty room and put it all together in his head with out having a tangible thing in his hand. It's like he's David Tutera or something… but younger… without the millions… better looking… and straight! It's incredible! And God sooo knew what He was doing when He gave him to me. However… I feel the need to be on top of everything cause I'm the bride and it's what I'm supposed to do… even though I don't even know everything I'm on top of! My breathing is back to normal pace and my eyes are nice and dry… the make-up is gone with the tons of salty water that were earlier released but I still look quite decent. But hey, this is from the side of the story some brides--or types of brides--don't tell… well guess what… You know it now! 

So moral of the story... what I would rather be doing than writing papers and doing homework all the time:

-Actually enjoy days outdoors when there is beautiful weather in Texas in FEBRUARY.

-Spend time with my amazing fiance, that doesn't include stressfulness of wedding planning... but   enjoying each other's company and time

-Sit out by the lake and read a good book... one that doesn't have to be read by coercion or   requirement

-Take a breather and not feel guilty for it cause there's a million-and-1 other things that could be   getting done

-Have the time to clean my room and not pass out on the couch from the days exhaustion... 

-Have a great convo of random but great things with my PeeWee 

-Doing some community service

-Catching up with my sister, Michelle

-Going down to Austin to visit my best friend from high school and meet her daughter that in 2 years I haven't gotten to meet and we're 4 hours apart

-I want to write because it's a gift and I love to do it... but not papers. I want to write what I feel and write what God puts on my heart. 

I know... such lofty thoughts... oh well. Maybe the week after May 25... hallelujah 90 more days. :)

And there ya have it… my honest note for the year. 

Signed,

A Kids' Party Planning Wedding Planner

PS. There's a whole lot more amazing to this man [Mason Musick] that no one truly knows... I'm understatingly blessed to know... 

PPS... This isn't my pity note... just my honest note. It's the best policy... or at least that's what I preach...