Changing THEN by changing NOW.

"Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord."  Jeremiah 9:23-24

My YouVersion devotion talked about how when it comes to people we tend to admire strength and power, human wisdom, wealth and riches, and kindness. Well, it went on to say, "But God puts a higher priority on knowing him personally and living a life that reflects his justice and righteousness." The last thing it says is a posed question: What do you want people to admire most about you? The question really made me think. First, what does admire by definition mean?

1. to regard with pleasure or approval
2. to respect

Well then what about regard?

1. to look upon in a particular way
2. to respect
3. to look at
4. to concern

That doesn't look so hard to fully grasp... what do I want people to respect me for... besides just for being a person? and really the question demands some level of either confidence or goal setting, possibly both because having room to improve is usually a set-up for a goal to be set with a desire for that goal to be reached.


So reigning in thoughts, keeping them on the smaller scale grid of 'what do I want to be admired for' now and not to the outside far edges of the grid of 'leaving a legacy,' and what do I want to be admired, respected, or remembered for is quite a task as I have and am continually learning that  though THEN matters, NOW is very important for the simple thought that my THEN depends on my NOW-- THEN is effected by what I do NOW. [Run-on sentence or just really long? Who knows...] 


Nevertheless, I shall answer the question. FINALLY. I want to be admired for the everyday small things, like finding joy in storms... smiling even when life is hard. I want to be admired for having an unshakable faith and a trust in God that withstands trials and hardships. I want to be admired for genuinely loving and caring for not only those who have captured my heart or he my heart loves deepest aside from my heavenly Father but for people in general, for taking the time to care for people. I want to be respected for being a gracious, confident woman who desires not to make anyone ever feel inferior but to encourage others to their own discovery of self-confidence. I want to be respected for never giving up, for falling and standing back up, for standing for what I believe in. But most of all I want people to admire me for having a heart that longs to please the heart of my Father by living life day to day pointing others to the ultimate reason for smiling, loving, laughing, for longing to make His heart smile. But even more I want to be moved by what moves Him, to be in sync.


Now, by no means has all of this has been attained but it is attainable. An opportunity has been made available to set goals, to change mindsets, to decide to change and alter THEN by changing NOW. Life happens a day at a time which consists of life changing moments second to second, minute to minute, and hour to hour. To be admired, one must be admirable. To be admirable, one must be willing at times to change and make a change.  :)

Use Words or No Words?

It's crazy how with every moment, every split second life changes. Our very decisions, plans, thoughts can all be altered in the blink of an eye. One moment we're taking a picture, smiles on every face in the room, 2 on computers, eating breakfast, doing life. And in the panicked surprise she yells for her husband from the computer. The news displayed on the screen turns just about every dry eye into pools of sadness over the loss of a close friend's young son, for thirty isn't by any means figured as the average life expectancy of males here in America. What once was a joyous occasion simply celebrating friendship and the blessings that follow oh so quickly turns into one of celebrating the life of an old friend, however, not as joyous as the previous. Tears overflowing, wondering minds, grieving hearts; these are what consumed the current "happening" as I witnessed the care of an old friend running to aid and cradle the heart of the mother who lost a beloved son. How heart-wrenching it must be to bury your child. Gentle with words she had to be as she had to be the strongest of the two over the telephone. No words are there to truly comfort in this state of overwhelming sadness and question. But as I sit there, the oh so common dilemma of how to comfort those involved takes over, over-ruling every thought previously occupying the spaces in my mind. What do I do? What do I say? No one ever really anticipates the mode of comfort they will cling to or really they can't. People are different. Some want you to just listen and be. Some want responses, answers. But what will I do? I truly believe that people, for the most part, genuinely have good intentions but unfortunately the little flapper that rarely really rests between the lips, also known as a tongue, more times than not tends to get us in trouble. We try to say what we mean and many times it goes over like a lead balloon... and the little "rudder" has us trying to dig ourselves out of the hole our tongue got us into. So especially in a situation like the passing of a friend's family member or a friend or really the whole realm in general, sometimes the worst thing to do is open your mouth. 


After sitting long enough to contemplate how best to be there for them, I resulted to the love language of physical touch. No matter where you're from sometimes nothing says "I'm here for you" more when you're grieving than a hug that conveys all that needs to be said and heard. Hold them close enough to feel their heart cry... the best physical comfort. Embraces of love sometimes override smooth words or the attempt of. If only there was some sort of fool proof guidebook for comforting... Comforting 101... Comforting for Dummies... 5 Easy Steps to Comforting... I mean there's one for everything else! Now are they all legit and actually work? Eh... probably not. 


Nevertheless, just as people change, so does life... with every breath. Love deeply and truly. Show it. Tell them. Laugh from the gut, wholeheartedly... laughter beats Vicodin! haha Ok maybe not but it ease the pressures of the heart and of life sometimes. The best way to learn the how-to's of those in your life is to observe, take notice, and get to know them. Live in and by truth everyday. Be true to you and to others. Be real. Let others get to know you. Be there for others not just co-exist. Life's too short to waste it being fake or a replica, a copy of someone else, too short to not smile. Love in word and deed; without action it's just cliche and "talk is cheap." :)

Weaknesses

[2/24/2011]

Lately, I have noticed weaknesses in my life. One that has stood out the most has been procrastination that leads me to incompletion; starting something and saying, "I'll finish it later," until later comes and goes. You see, the thing with weaknesses is have them always leaves room to improve. But i also think there are 2 types of weaknesses: character flaws and personality traits. Flaws in character are things that need to be fixed and "removed," whereas, personality traits are part of who you are and what balances you out with others, granted they do need to be "nurtured" or properly balanced... not overpowering of your strengths. Procrastination in my life isn't a personality train but a character flaw that can harm and handicap me in the long run. However, loudness is a personality train to be controlled and isn't always negative but is to be used in the right arena. Weaknesses are like bacteria; there's good bacteria and bad bacteria. There are weaknesses that are good and those that are bad, although, it's not always as black and white as I've laid it out to be. I think that it's the combination of our strengths with our weaknesses that makes us unique. It's what makes us compatible with others. It's what both draws and repels us from others, especially those with the same weaknesses. But even more so, it's not always or rather it's not only the strengths that are used to glorify God in our lives. If you see someone with only strengths and no weaknesses, well... where's the work for God to do in their life, ya know? Where is the "in your weakness, My strength is make perfect?" God works through our weaknesses. It's when you see one with addictive behavior or tendencies overcome addiction that you see God glorified because you know they couldn't have done it on their own. It's God's balancing our weakness with His strength and combining it with the strengths He's already given us that perfects us. But without God... we don't stand a chance. Nevertheless, as Pastor Jim Hennesy said, "Don't let your weaknesses define you."


Lastly, this is from my devotional a couple days ago and it greatly applies to what God's been revealing to me in regards to weaknesses in my life, "Moses pleaded with God to let him out of his mission. After all, he was not a good speaker and would probably embarrass both himself and God. But God looked at Moses' problem quite differently. All Moses needed was some help, and who better than God to help him say and do the right things? God made his mouth and would give him the words to say. It is easy for us to focus on our weaknesses, but if God asks us to do something, then he will help us get the job done. If the job involves some of our weak areas, then we can trust that he will proved words, strength, courage, and ability where needed."




Charis... due to Grace. 

Signs of Grace

Lord, let me pray true
True from my heart
No longer empty words extracted from songs 
Reacting to tickled emotions with tears
But the song ends as does my reason for crying
The illusion of the heart of our conversation
The shallow drawing of my heart
Let me not "tease" You with enticing words or
Play the harlot attempting to "seduce" 
With sweet words that invoke my emotions
May my prayers be not pitiful pleas
Always about me and my list
But may I shut up long enough
To hear the beat of Your heart
May it not be a religious hymnal 
Full of words I don't know or mean
But may my tears mix with my heart and 
Spell out the genuine love I truly have for You
Whether in Your presence where I sit 
In the silence of being at one and at peace 
With my Almighty God of Whom 
I am not even worthy to rest in Thine arms
Or endure a process of painful purging and pruning
You requesting of me all that I am
Leaving nothing in my hands to control
A process of losing to gain, dying to live
It's in Your presence I long to remain
The place where my heart floats
Because You remove my heaviness
The only place my mind is drained
No doubts or worries remain
All hope and trust restored
It's in the place no words can describe
And no heart can resist
The beat of Your heart lures me in
Your whisper stands out of the silenced screams
Out of all the commotion of life
Your presence is my hiding place, my refuge
It's my hospital where You perform surgery
Open heart surgery--
You open my heart and expose the depths
No closets or corners unvisited
No doors that haven't been opened
Or rooms You haven't walked into
You've illuminated the shadows of illusions
Illusions of happy faces, masks, and fake smiles
When I leave Your presence
You remind me that I can't
For to leave Your presence is for You to be absent
And never will You leave me nor forsake me
Never will You vacate
The premises of my heart, of my being
All the doors left open and lights flipped on
Beauty radiating from my core
Now feeling weightless for darkness is heavy
But light lifts the load, the heavy burdens
However this encounter is 
Not to be once in a lifetime 
My heart so depends on You to do housecleaning 
Never shall I escort You out
No light bills of self-controlling my own
Trying to save something to keep my hand on
When piles of rubbish mound up
You address it and rearrange
Even if I try to say it's organized and under my control


But oh my God
My house cleaner and landlord
My prize and reward
My breath and my life
You are my creditor
I am Your debtor
You empty me out
I am left full
I could speak and You would listen
But when You speak
My words of doubt and thoughts of fear
Are eradicated and replaced
By reminders of hope and actions of love
And everything that reveals evidence
That I've been in Your presence
Empty words became heart cries
Heart cries become songs of praise
Love songs and songs of war
Warring for souls yet to be saved
Songs of the war You did for my heart


I walked in a pitiful fraud
A poor imitation of who You've called me to be
But You restored me 
To Your hopeful bride
Full of genuine love and
Re-ignited with passion
Light hearted and an
Open doored, empty closeted
Shadowless, Presence dwelling
Victim of Your perfect peace, 
Joy, love, and grace
Trusting You with my heart
With faith in He who gives
My very life meaning
He whose Presence is my very breath
The smile I bear and the love I behold
Welcoming me into another day
Paying an unpayable debt
That's been paid for by Your Son
Sure sign of grace






Now, you may wonder why the title of this "poem" is called "Signs of Grace." Well, you see it started off as conviction. So many times in my life I've been moved by a feeling or an emotion I've gotten to a song, I cry, pray something then by the time the song ends for one I've forgotten the prayer I prayed and two can't even remember why I was crying. The poem just kept going til my heart was completely just spilled out and my hand just went! At the end of it I was just going to leave it untitled til God really showed me that everything written was evidence of His grace in my life because, you see, through illusions of who I was called to be, through half-hearted, pity prayers God never quit loving me, never said, "You just aren't good enough," never did He retract His grace, that I am so undeserving of, from my life. So that is why it is titled what it is. :)


Charis Ivana... Due to Grace

Forward Moving Faith

I think, we often expect stationary guidance from God: We stand still and God tells us where to go before we move. But if God tells us every road block, exit and mile-marker is that really walking by faith or trusting God? What He's really asking of us is to move forward and He will guide. Move forward by faith and trust He will show you to turn right when you need to turn right. If every time we were driving we knew someone, possibly ourselves, was gonna get in a wreck we'd half the time be on pins and needles with our driving and half the time still get in a wreck even with forewarning. When driving through this life, in your day to day walk with God, do you step out on the water and God tells you, "Oh careful! A wave is about to crash into you!" No... if that were the case I think we'd be less trusting; trying to prevent things and situations from happening in our own power and control. God desires for us to walk forward and trust He'll hold our hand through the storms... if we let Him.

Based on personal revelation--(March 12, 2011)

Don't Take this Season for Granted

        It's crazy how you spend just about every waking hour allowed with your "group," then you hit graduation, and it's almost as if you never shared the same air! lol Life gets busy, God sends you crazy places, we go back to life as we thought we knew it. God walks us through new things, takes us to new places, teaches us new things that couldn't have been taught as long as you were surrounded all drawing you closer and closer to His heart and desire for you (if you set your agenda aside long enough to let Him). You come out a different, better, stronger person with new perspectives, mindsets, and outlook on life. 

        I visited CFNI last week, February 15, and as I sat in the back of the IB and listened to all the "cuttin up" going on around me, I couldn't believe how much I had taken for granted. How much once upon a time I was the student texting or passing notes to friends giggling and such. I all but felt an urgency to get on stage and yell to the students as a graduate and one who's lived far outside the vicinity of the CFNI or even Bible Belt "bubble" to take in every bit you can, leave the past behind at the altar and pick up all that God has for you in this season of your life. Embrace 8am worship and having RA's that care and truly want the best for you, even when you're not too convinced of so. Don't take for granted being surrounded by people that love the Lord and seek His face. Don't take for granted the support system you're surrounded by. Don't forget everything God did and does in you. Don't take Bible studies and Holy Spirit led conversations and setups for granted. Don't solely spend every waking hour living in some "holy cloud" where you forget about the reality of living in the NOW. Take the time to laugh, to love, to have fun. Take time to breathe, to share, to learn, to be open with someONE at least one. Because you can't go back once it's all said and done. God may bring you somewhere where all of this is gone... there's no bubble, no spontaneous worship break-outs, no simply sitting silently in the presence of God. I don't regret.... because what God's taught me and brought me through post-graduation is irreplaceable and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Everything He taught me and spoke to me was and is vital to the rest of my life and His plan for me. However, I can forewarn all who are still in the midst of your season, whether it be at CFNI or any other season. Just don't take it for granted. "Be anxious for nothing." 

This, although incomplete, is what I wrote that day sitting in lecture:

As I sit here where it all started

Memories flood my mind

Times of love and friendships

Times of brokenness and vulnerability

Times of joy and gladness

Laughter and tears

These were the times I took for granted

The times I left full hearted

But empty handed

This is where I was ready to leave

But once gone longed to return

Now I'm surrounded by those

Walking the path I took

Not off the beaten path 

But walking beside it

         I know not everyone takes it for granted. But I know for sure I was more excited to leave and finally have a break than the day I got there my first semester... and I was pretty stoked! Then life happens and even though I was on campus all summer for KFN, enjoying every bit of being surrounded by kids and seeing them in the presence of God, when God moved me it was what He had established and done in me in Agape and Mary Martha, the GLHOP, All Night Prayer, chapel and times of tears staining the carpet in the IB that got me through and kept my feet grounded. It was my season of being at CFNI that prepared me for times to come even though there's always more to learn. CFNI doesn't and can't teach you everything you need to know for every new and possibly trying season God brings you to but it definitely laid a new foundation for my relationship with God to be built upon. Being away taught me new things on a deeper relational level with God; a learning by living. Friends, acquaintances, and the like can't replace the relationship you have with God. So as you're at CFNI or wherever, don't be a "loner" and just spend every bit of time alone cause I think it's a lie that you don't need anyone else in your life but God. God places people in your life to walk with and beside you, to hold you up when in weakness, to keep you accountable. Nevertheless, they can't be God nor the Holy Spirit or your Savior... only tools. So hold on to, nourish, and further cultivate your relationship with Father. Don't let friends become Baals and idols. Keep Him number 1 and He'll show you things you've never seen and teach you things no professor could teach you. He'll reveal things you've never seen and sing songs over you like you've never heard. He'll whisper such incomparable love to your heart that no man or woman could ever speak with as much sincerity and truth as He could.

-Charis :)