The Truth of the Matter- My Testimony

[Sunday, October 17, 2010]
      
          This morning at church a young woman who works for God doing missions spoke about the journey of healing God's had her on the past 2 years that she's been back from India. One thing she said that I think really hit and stuck with me was that often as a pastor's kid you, well many if not all, have at one time or another believed the lie that you have to be a certain way, you have to have a certain high standard, and you can't mess up. Many have believed the lie that you can't make mistakes nor have doubts and certainly not about the things of God. Thus many times believing the lie that you have to be a certain way for God to love you... a lie. I wasn't a pastor's kid but my dad was in ministry growing up so at the same time I knew what it was like. I, too, believed that lie. Unfortunately, just this morning was when I realized that what I had believed as a child and really til recently was just that... a lie. When I was younger, I didn't think I was allowed to mess up... I couldn't be less than perfect... so I thought in my mind knowing that perfection wasn't anything I could achieve on this earth. It was nothing that my parents had told me either. I knew how people looked at the children of pastors and ministers. It's always said that children are reflections of their parents, and to some degree I do believe that. 


        Believing this lie led me down roads that otherwise wouldn't have been traveled down, had I lost my pride sooner, and yet knowing that this somehow all was God's plan for the simple fact that none of my sins and detours in my journey of life were a surprise to Him. At the age of 10 until I was 12 I struggled with pornography. I felt condemned and ashamed because I was the child of a minister, one who was looked up to in my church family. I never felt that I could tell anyone that I was struggling. All that I can remember feeling was that there was no one to go to, even though my parents never gave off that I couldn't go to them. I was too ashamed to do so. That led to believing more lies and "practicing" hypocrisy. I could praise and worship and lift my hands in church but then behind close doors and home alone I was caught in this deep secret that had me bound. I wanted to be let out but my pride held the locks on the doors to my freedom from what I found out later was a generational curse. One thing built on another and I'd given so many open doors for the enemy to have footstools in my life. The hardest part through it all was that I was raised in the church... I knew the Word of God. And yet I believed a lie and was knowingly living in sin. There came a point in my life two years later where this had to all be left behind, where I had to be so desperate to be free from the sin of pornography.


        The truth of the matter is that God had to get the hold on me because I was so deeply disgusted with myself and seemingly stranded. No lightning bolts. No prophetic words. God, Himself, was and is so desperate for my heart and my purity that He met me where I was. He so cared and cares for the call on my life that He has for me (and YOU), that what it took for me to run from this sin was when at the age of twelve as clear as a living painting or a movie, God showed me where I would be if I continued down the road I was traveling, what I would become. The woman He showed me so disgusted me that it was at the moment I said, "God, I can't do this any more!" And again truth behind that confession was really that I couldn't do that to my dad and mom. I wasn't raised that way and they didn't deserve that as parents because they raised me right. But even as much or as little as that.... At that point I went without using the computer for months until I knew I was strong enough to pass. I can honestly say that as far as being broken free of pornography, for me it was night and day, in a sense. After that encounter with a desperate love I'd never truly realized, I knew I couldn't and didn't want to go back to it. I know that isn't how it works or happens for everyone but BY HIS GRACE that's how it happened for me. I can't say that I haven't been ever tempted again with it but I know 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, ‎"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." So whether or not I am tempted again... I can't say I was faced with something stronger than me... or the strength He's given me because His Word tells me not only can I endure it... He's given me a way of escape. 


        So moral of my story... don't believe the lie that you have to be a certain way with certain higher standards than anyone else having the inability to make mistakes or ask God questions in truth of heart... don't believe the lie that you can't be human... cause that what it makes you a human saved by grace... whether you're a pastor's/minister's kid or not. Yes, have standards... PLEASE have standards lol. But if God gives grace and forgiveness, who are we to not give grace to ourselves? Who are we to withhold forgiveness from ourselves? I've forgiven myself. I've moved on. My past sins and struggles now serve as my personal testimony of God's redemptive love in my life. They now serve as a place to share and help others who struggle... where I experienced and "survived" something that they're going through. Don't try to endure alone... and I encourage you to share your testimony. Not only do we "overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony" but what is held in secret the enemy will most definitely hold against you. But what's brought in to the light... well... it's been exposed. Testify! :) 

People's Rollercoaster or the Lord's Mountain

 You know, there was a point in my life where with nearly everything God asked of me it was followed with a question, whether it be ‘where?,’ ‘why?,’ ‘how?,’ ‘when?,’ and an occasional, “Wait, God, right NOW?!” But this season of my life has been with so less questioning which is even astonishing to myself, to be quite honest! My natural intuitive self would want to know the degree of each of life’s angles, the exact amount of steps to get to the next destination He’s bringing me, and the definite or at least round-about time to the second that my next “test” will start. Call me crazy but I like to be prepared and I have come to find out that in living a life with Christ preparation is gained in the silly timeless and sometimes timely things. It’s in traffic that I’m prepared to wait on Him. It’s in being asked to lead the “moment of silence,” “reflection,” or “meditation” at a secular corporation that you’re prepared how to lead a prayer meeting humbly. It’s those moments you’re speechless you’re taught how to listen. But truthfully it’s in the moments of trial you’re given the choice to learn how to enjoy dancing in the rain, to enjoy climbing the mountains, or jumping off the cliff of faith and trusting He won’t let you crash into the sharp rocks at the bottom. Unlike earthly parachutes, His will never malfunction.   
     The unknown which is usually an object of fear for us in our natural human-ness. We think we won’t enjoy what Father brings us to, which undoubtedly sometimes that is the case. But the image I get or rather the storyline I get when the thought of going into something “blind” so-to-speak, is this:

We are children wanting to go to Disney World but our parents have something they think we will enjoy far more. Sometimes we are the children that say, “Okay this could be fun!” But sometimes we’re the children that say, “But Mom! But Dad! We wanna go to where all the other kids are going!” But it’s the parents that tell us something like, “We went here when we were younger! It’s sooo much fun!” And we insist on believing that because they’re ‘old’ now there’s no way we can enjoy it. We want to be like “everyone” else and wait in the lines and see how everyone else is enjoying the ride, how everyone else is enjoying life with it’s rollercoaster turns. The parents, not falling prey to the children’s whines and complaints, bring the children to the woods. They bring them to natures twists and turns, so they can experience the mountains for themselves. And to the children’s surprise they enjoy their own experience for themselves… far more than expected. But it took the parent’s persistence knowing the children and wanting them to have their own experience to get them there. Sure there were cuts and scrapes along the mountain and yes, there were times when they were so exhausted they had to stop and take a break, get refreshed and renewed by a nice bottle of water. But they didn’t stop there. Once they felt strong enough they kept right on up the mountain side. The youngest of course runs out of energy and seemingly keeps the group back so Dad says, “Here. Get on my back! I’ll carry you till you can handle it.” They take pit stops along the way to play in the surprise creek they cross. They climb a few trees. See some passing animals then keep heading up. Then they reach the top. And nothing beats the view and sense of accomplishment than reaching the top for yourself, knowing every cut was worth it. No one sees it like you do and no one can experience it for you. There were a million and one paths you could have taken to get up there, some harder than others, but you took which was best fit for you that your father led you down… or up since it’s a mountain.

      You see, although there are examples of how to live life, sometimes we get so caught up in watching others experience life that we don’t live the life God’s called us to. Sometimes we try to pitifully replicate the lives of others. Sometimes we get so used to the same ole rollercoaster that does the same loops and turns that when it comes to letting God have the control and take us up the side of the mountain we get so whiny because we don’t know ahead of time what’s going to come our way. I was flipping through channels one day and I came to Grey’s Anatomy, not always the best show, but my attention was captured when I saw these two guys about to go on a hike through the mountains. One asks, “where are we going anyways?” And the other replies, “Why does it always have to be about the destination? Why can’t it be about the journey?” I think he was on the right track, really. No, you don’t forget the destination but at the same time if you put all of your focus on the destination you don’t get a chance to enjoy the journey. It’s like subconsciously focusing on the final destination but living life now letting tomorrow worry about itself. God wants us to come, yes with Him as our guide, on this crazy journey called life and experience it for ourselves. He wants us to enjoy the side of the mountain before we get to the top. He knows there will be times we fall and times we get tired and exhausted but He KNOWS the valley at the base of the mountain from the peak we so earnestly desire to reach. He knows every path to get up there because although He is the only way, He doesn’t take us through all the same experiences as the next. He knows where the big rocks and fallen trees are that you’ll have to climb over to proceed with life, I mean “the climb.” We are His children and our Daddy knows us better than we think. He knows the path fit for us. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses and who balances those out. I know personally, He has placed people in my life that when I get tired and exhausted, feeling as though I can’t make it on my own will carry me and wait till I have regained strength. So many times we cling to the wrong people, the ones that aren’t willing to wait with us. The one’s that won’t be like Aaron and Hur holding up your arms in moments of weakness (Exodus 17:8-16). One cliché that I have learned to be true is “There are friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.” It’s both reassuring and at times discouraging. But that is all a walk of trust at the same time… as is all of life knowing we can’t get through it alive if we try to go through it alone.

[September 15, 2010]

All Due to Grace

This blog... is called Due to Grace because, besides my name means 'grace', it's only by His grace that I am where I am in life. The first few posts will probably be stuff previously written that's just saved to my computer... so yeah! That's about it :) Be blessed!