The Truth of the Matter- My Testimony

[Sunday, October 17, 2010]
      
          This morning at church a young woman who works for God doing missions spoke about the journey of healing God's had her on the past 2 years that she's been back from India. One thing she said that I think really hit and stuck with me was that often as a pastor's kid you, well many if not all, have at one time or another believed the lie that you have to be a certain way, you have to have a certain high standard, and you can't mess up. Many have believed the lie that you can't make mistakes nor have doubts and certainly not about the things of God. Thus many times believing the lie that you have to be a certain way for God to love you... a lie. I wasn't a pastor's kid but my dad was in ministry growing up so at the same time I knew what it was like. I, too, believed that lie. Unfortunately, just this morning was when I realized that what I had believed as a child and really til recently was just that... a lie. When I was younger, I didn't think I was allowed to mess up... I couldn't be less than perfect... so I thought in my mind knowing that perfection wasn't anything I could achieve on this earth. It was nothing that my parents had told me either. I knew how people looked at the children of pastors and ministers. It's always said that children are reflections of their parents, and to some degree I do believe that. 


        Believing this lie led me down roads that otherwise wouldn't have been traveled down, had I lost my pride sooner, and yet knowing that this somehow all was God's plan for the simple fact that none of my sins and detours in my journey of life were a surprise to Him. At the age of 10 until I was 12 I struggled with pornography. I felt condemned and ashamed because I was the child of a minister, one who was looked up to in my church family. I never felt that I could tell anyone that I was struggling. All that I can remember feeling was that there was no one to go to, even though my parents never gave off that I couldn't go to them. I was too ashamed to do so. That led to believing more lies and "practicing" hypocrisy. I could praise and worship and lift my hands in church but then behind close doors and home alone I was caught in this deep secret that had me bound. I wanted to be let out but my pride held the locks on the doors to my freedom from what I found out later was a generational curse. One thing built on another and I'd given so many open doors for the enemy to have footstools in my life. The hardest part through it all was that I was raised in the church... I knew the Word of God. And yet I believed a lie and was knowingly living in sin. There came a point in my life two years later where this had to all be left behind, where I had to be so desperate to be free from the sin of pornography.


        The truth of the matter is that God had to get the hold on me because I was so deeply disgusted with myself and seemingly stranded. No lightning bolts. No prophetic words. God, Himself, was and is so desperate for my heart and my purity that He met me where I was. He so cared and cares for the call on my life that He has for me (and YOU), that what it took for me to run from this sin was when at the age of twelve as clear as a living painting or a movie, God showed me where I would be if I continued down the road I was traveling, what I would become. The woman He showed me so disgusted me that it was at the moment I said, "God, I can't do this any more!" And again truth behind that confession was really that I couldn't do that to my dad and mom. I wasn't raised that way and they didn't deserve that as parents because they raised me right. But even as much or as little as that.... At that point I went without using the computer for months until I knew I was strong enough to pass. I can honestly say that as far as being broken free of pornography, for me it was night and day, in a sense. After that encounter with a desperate love I'd never truly realized, I knew I couldn't and didn't want to go back to it. I know that isn't how it works or happens for everyone but BY HIS GRACE that's how it happened for me. I can't say that I haven't been ever tempted again with it but I know 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, ‎"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." So whether or not I am tempted again... I can't say I was faced with something stronger than me... or the strength He's given me because His Word tells me not only can I endure it... He's given me a way of escape. 


        So moral of my story... don't believe the lie that you have to be a certain way with certain higher standards than anyone else having the inability to make mistakes or ask God questions in truth of heart... don't believe the lie that you can't be human... cause that what it makes you a human saved by grace... whether you're a pastor's/minister's kid or not. Yes, have standards... PLEASE have standards lol. But if God gives grace and forgiveness, who are we to not give grace to ourselves? Who are we to withhold forgiveness from ourselves? I've forgiven myself. I've moved on. My past sins and struggles now serve as my personal testimony of God's redemptive love in my life. They now serve as a place to share and help others who struggle... where I experienced and "survived" something that they're going through. Don't try to endure alone... and I encourage you to share your testimony. Not only do we "overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony" but what is held in secret the enemy will most definitely hold against you. But what's brought in to the light... well... it's been exposed. Testify! :)